Wow..... Depression, Anxiety, Bi-polar

This year has been so exhausting and depressing. I knew I was Depressed months before the diagnosis. There are a couple issues that come along with the diagnosis. Its so different than the average person being depressed. I'am a 25 year old college graduate with beyond $70,890 in school debt.  That's enough to make anyone depressed. I want to go back to school to become an advocate for Mental Health. In college I majored in Criminal Justice but since I was a freshman desired to study psychology. I should've went with my gut and studied psych. but, I didn't. Depression is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. To be sad and have often considered suicide on a constant basis is mortifying if not horrifying. It's scary because the Black culture  as a large does not believe in the mental health diagnosis. I'm Black and I have struggled with self acceptance all my life but more so with having a mental illness. This past March I was diagnosed with Bipolar I. I'm anxious to build a support group but like others I'm scared of what people will think of me. I don't want people to think that I'm competent. or lazy, or just complain for no reason. Depression HURTS. Bi-polar Disorder hurts. I have the same wants and needs as everyone in the world. I want to find a great paying job. A Job that fulfills me, I don't want just a job, I want a career that I love going into everyday. I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be proud of myself. I don't want this dark cloud of depression and "what-ifs" to always surround my life. I want to be able to be in a long term relationship (successful) with someone that truly cares for me and accepts me for me instead of just someone they can have sex with often. I want marriage, I want to start a family very soon. I have so much to worry about ya know. Its definitely not easy being the way that I am. I try to stay positive. The one thing I don't want to do is pass this on to my children. I want them to be free from anxiety, and depression. Just the thought of my offspring seeing mommy depressed and sad frightens me. I don't want to have my husband run away because "mommy's crazy" and then lose my children. I will fight tooth and nail for my children. I want them to be humble and to understand that they cannot have everything but also give back to others. I think its important for me to always remember that I am trying to do the best that I can. I just want to have the ability to pick the right man for myself. Its so important for me to find the right mate that I can start a future and a family with.  For the past 8 years I have been stuck on looks and not quality of a man. Don't judge me because we definitely all have been there. Its shocking to see the woman that I have become. I am no way shape or form okay with the person that I am today. I feel like there is still A LOT OF WORK that needs to be done with myself.  I find it so hard to be okay with current circumstances in life. I always wished that I had this or that lifestyle of love.  How did I become this way? I look back on my childhood and I wonder what went wrong. A lot of things that adults go through stem from childhood. I have so many list of regrets its crazy.I don't to constantly live a life full of regrets. My so moody most of the time I cant stay myself. People cant stand  me anymore. I wonder if anyone ever did like me for real. I hate how people's responses to mental illness and depression as an adult is "Get over it" until that person commits suicide. They everyone wants to pay attention. God, start looking for signs now. Get out of your own heads and your own shame just for a  minute and be with that person. Really be there for them and listen.... Really listen to what they have to say. Suicide cannot always be prevented. I think about it sometimes and its definitely frightens me.  Me and God don't have the best relationship but I definitely don't want to go to Hell. I have some much I want to do before I die. I want to actually raise my kids and be successful and then die of old age. I want to be able to help others speak up and not be ashamed of mental illness especially not only in the Black community but other minority communities. I want to start that dialogue. Often, I search for research on mental illness in the Black community and its always starts from slavery times and understanding of oppression and I can understand it but I cant get down with it. I know our past. Let's take the information and move on. Let's get to the core of why people are hurting so badly. Its damn sure not slavery! Its in the home, its molestation, its drug abuse, sexual abuse, embarrassment, debt, loneliness, single parenthood household stress, its all that and much more. Let's not be so shame. Its frustrating! Its like hitting a brick wall that you can see over and over again. I just want to be able to be proud of myself once and for all. I want to be a new person. I want to accomplish my goals, I want people to love the person I've become. I want to love myself! Its so important to me that I am successful. The last 10 months have been so challenging, enough words can express the hardships I have encountered emotionally, physically and mentally. Most important is I don't want to give up on life!