Hey, I'm back and I'm not feeling so hott. This week I haven't been able to get good sleep. And, I convinced myself that I cannot take meds because I hate the way they make me feel so I'm stuck feeling the way that I do. Right now, I'm not in a good place emotionally I feel like I'm out of control. My body is betraying me. I feel like I'm either going through Mania or Psychosis. My thoughts of suicide are quiet often and very present. It would be easy to say I don't know what's wrong with me. Its debilating and scary. I wish I could just crawl under a rock. Its so hard to convince others that you are sick when you act normal. Maybe I should be "talking to myself" or "cutting" . That's the sick part about Bipolar it consistently robs your from the person that you used to be. Creeeping up on you to ruin your life. Happiness is no longer a factor in my life. I'am completely miserable and nothing is making me happy. Not that I have a job, not that I have money not that i have a phone. Nothing, I want to get out of this funk but I don't think I will until I fully accept myself fully accept myself and fully take responsibility for handling this illness for myself. Re-training my brain. Everyday, I thank God that I'am alive. So often people give up on themselves and Life. Life becomes so short. You try to vocalize how tired of this life you are and people just don't understand. Screaming out for helping, telling family and crying on the phone seems to do nothing for me but keep me alive and kicking as much as I can. I wonder if diet has anything to do with PMS or PMDD. I wonder often how I can get out of this terrible cycle of being and feeling the way that I am. Until next time
Mon
